Turning Points

I’ve been looking for a poem that i could give or offer to the one person who helps me feel alive. a poem that could tell him how much he means to me and that no matter how far we are with each other i will always remember him and remain faithful to him. luckily E.E. Cummings had written a poem that represents all that i wanted to say to the man i love.

i carry your heart with me
by e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I really love this poem since i first read it in college. it’s sweet and meaningful and says a lot of the emotion of the person saying the words of the poem towards someone.

recently realized that i have one talent that most people don’t have or don’t wanna have… a talent which is not really something anyone could be proud of. i realized that im really good at pushing away people who deeply matter to me. i won’t say it’s really a bad thing because i have also realized that i have mastered the art of filtering people who should be in my life. a friend told me (Akbar) that it’s not good to choose people who should be in your life. i can’t see the reason why not when everywhere there are a lot of people who would make you believe that they’re you’re friends but at the first instance of being in trouble will shy away from you. and who the fuck are we kidding? our lives on this planet are too short to be surrounded with people who will drag you away from where you should be. some come in pretense that they care but they really don’t. i read somewhere that one of the mistakes people make and hates most to hear is: the one person that you push away the most is the same person that knows you best. it is easy to believe but once you got bitten by reality you can never be blamed for believing that that person is really not the best person to be around with. how come he/she was easily pushed away from someone he/she knows and supposedly understands? i guess what i want to say is that now that i realized that i maybe did the right thing then it’s time for me to stop feeling guilty of losing the people that apparantly i was able to successfully pushed away from me. and now that it’s clear to me that there were maybe reasons why i had the urge to push those people away from me makes things easier. whatever happened in the past can now be let go because pushing them away from me have done them good than wrong. it’s clear to me now that i pushed them away from me because maybe in the dark corner of my mind and heart i knew that they will be better off without me. that giving them the freedom from me provided them with better options in life than by being stucked with me. well of course it sounds like i’m justifying my actions. but believe it or not all the people who i unconsciously pushed away from me are now happier than me. and im happy for them…

i recently realized that i have one talent that most people don’t have or don’t wanna have… a talent which is not really something anyone could be proud of. i realized that im really good at pushing away people who deeply matter to me. i won’t say it’s really a bad thing because i have also realized that i have mastered the art of filtering people who should be in my life and who shouldn’t. a friend told me (Akbar) that it’s not good to choose people who should be in your life because i am going to miss the possibility of having a potential good companion and friend. i understand his point but i can’t see anything wrong in choosing the people you want to be with when everywhere there are a lot of people who would make you believe that they’re you’re friends but at the first instance of being in trouble will disappear and will appear again when everything is already okay. and who the fuck are we kidding? our lives on this planet are too short to be surrounded with people who will drag you away from where you should be. some come in pretense that they care but they really don’t. it’s sad but it’s reality.

i read somewhere that one of the mistakes people make and hates most to hear is: the one person that you push away the most is the same person that knows you best. it is easy to believe it but once you got bitten by reality you can never be blamed for believing that that person is really not the best person to be around with. how come he/she was easily pushed away from someone he/she knows and supposedly understands? i guess what i want to say is that now that i realized that i maybe did the right thing then it’s time for me to stop feeling guilty of losing the people that apparently i was able to successfully pushed away from me. and now that it’s clear to me that there were maybe reasons why i had the urge to push those people away from me makes things easier. whatever happened in the past can now be let go because pushing them away from me have done them good than wrong. it’s clear to me now that i pushed them away from me because maybe in the dark corner of my mind and heart i knew that they will be better off without me… that giving them the freedom from me provided them with better options in life than by being stucked with me. well of course it sounds like i’m justifying my actions. but believe it or not all the people who i unconsciously pushed away from me are now happier than me. and im happy for them…and if what my suspicions and beliefs were true then i guess my talent is not bad to be had at all…

i was browsing the friendster accounts of people who checked my profile or invited me to be their contacts and i noticed something common to all the profiles… people changed so fast in months… people who seemed not to know what dress to wear last year look like they live in a fashion magazine a couple of months after…

but of course not all changed…

one person who is a big part of my adolescent life seems to not have changed since I last see her 2 years ago… she is still the same simple, pretty, good looking girl I used to hang out with in high school… i checked her pictures and she still has the same comforting face and smile she used to have… she doesn’t seem to have been affected by life’s cruelty…

somehow seeing her pictures made me want to go back to those days when me and my friends were so innocent and our sense of fun was going to our classmates’ house to cook kamoteng kahoy, climb fruit trees, go to the local swimming pools, or just hang out at the town’s only mini mall… looking at her smile brings me back to the place where i grew up… the place where i learned how to have a happy existence without so much care of what the world will look like the next day…

i wonder if i didn’t leave the place would i be a better person or someone else different? i know somehow my life would be simpler but i can bet my life that it’s not as complicated as my life now. what could complicate my life there? a town where everyone knows each other, grew up and got used to the same things, watch the same telenovela, have the same teacher, have the same playground, have the same pineapple plantation, have the same home? if i didn’t leave my hometown i could have been married to one of the guys there, have a family with children who will more or less grow up and love the same things i learned to love when i was a kid… if i never left the place i could have witnessed my younger siblings grow up to young adults and to mature men and women… if i didn’t leave the place my parents would be much happier (i hope) because the family is still in tact and close together… if i didn’t leave the place i would have not felt lonely for more than 10 years because i have familiar people around me…

but staying there could also mean not learning the hard realities of life or meeting the friends i met along the way… i could have not written this blog because i will be busy with taking care of my family or i could have not even learned to do this because for sure i will be working in the local government unit of the town and instead of surfing the internet i’d be out with the other wives maybe talking about what to cook for dinner or where to buy the cheaper but quality goods in town…

life… how convenient would it be if somehow people have the options of what path to take when they’re still young… if there was only an assessment of what you wanted to be when you grow up after graduating high school then maybe people right now are less confused and lost… imagine taking a written assessment and then watching videos of what your life could be in X years then having the option of choosing the life you want to have… imagine the comfort we will have for knowing what will happen next and what to expect from life…

but of course that assessment and video don’t exist and we are left with a lot of choosing to do from countless options life offers to us every minute of our existence… it’s so hard and even if a number of great people in history said that the unpredictability of life gives it more worth, i still think that having the knowledge of what’s going to happen next will give me comfort and peace of mind unless, of course if the knowledge is about my death and those who i love…

shit!!! why do i always ask questions when i know that life will never change or that i could not undo what has been said and done or that there is really no way for me to go back to that one day where all these insanity began? why?

but only if i could go back… i really would…

Do you ever wonder if we make the moments in our lives or if the moments in our lives make us? - Lucas, One Tree Hill

… i am not a robot who doesn’t feel anything
… i get hurt like anyone else too
… i am not a machine that do something with a snap or a click from a remote control
… i lie about how i truly feel
… i fear of rejection
… i have walls around my heart to protect from potential harm
… i follow my mind than my heart
… i regret not listening to my heart when i had the chance
… i contradict myself most of the time
… most of the time i said it’s okay means it isn’t
… i always say the right words too late
… i believe that crying in front of a person I love makes me a weak
… i don’t want to give anyone the right to hurt me but i end up letting them
… i am programmed to take the pain and must forget about it after a day
… i want to shout to the whole world I LOVE YOU so much but i can’t
… i maybe will die without telling you how much you meant to me in person
… i didn’t believe that true love with the big T exists
… i believe that now after I met you
… i don’t believe in fairy tales but i wanted to have a happy ending in my life
… i understand the situation we were in
… i hated that it has to end but i understand that it needs to
… i so miss you that it’s breaking my heart when i remember the smiles and the happy times we had
… i regret most of what i said because i didn’t mean most of them
… i’m sorry for causing you any trouble
… i hate myself because i wasn’t able to say all of these to you in person
… i don’t want you to be out of my life
… i want you to be happy even if it means to end something we had
… i am so fortunate that i met you
… i am a better person when you came into my life
… i love the way you smile
… i love the way you talk
… i love how your eyes show who you really are and what you feel
… i love the way you laugh
… i love how words sound everytime you say them
… i love the way you make everyone around you feel special
… i love your taste in books and music
… i love how you take note of little details in life
… i love your new hair
… i love your perfume
… i love you for being you
… i love to see ocean because it reminds me of you
… i hate it when you cry because you’re hurt
… i hate it when you get mad at me
… i hate it when you don’t feel good about something
… i hate it when you worry about me
… i hate it everytime you leave
… i want you to be happy
… i am letting you be
… i don’t want to cause you any trouble
… i let you move on with your life
… i will let go and move on with mine
… i am thankful that you came in my life
… i will love you always
… i hope you let me love you always
… i promise you don’t have to do something about it
… i think this is it
… i wanted to die but i can’t and i won’t
… the curtain is about to close
… but i am excited when it opens again
… and a new show begins
… i will be okay and i hope you will be too
… life goes on
… so it goes…

People seldom say I love you. And then it’s too late or love goes. So
when I tell you I love you, it doesn’t mean I know you’ll never go,
only that I wish you didn’t have to… so it goes..

Dictionary.com defines independence as in·de·pend·ence,
/ˌɪn dɪˈpɛn dəns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-di-pen-duh ns] - –noun

1. Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent.

2. freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others. 

Freedom.
One of the most coveted word in the English language. Everyone wants to
have freedom from someone or something and having the freedom always
follows rejoicement. Freedom and independence are always a happy
situation to be had. There are a few instances that freedom and
independence don’t lead to happiness or fulfillment. A
prisoner set free will not be happy with his freedom if he knows that
someone is waiting to kill him when he gets out. A person in a
relationship who loves to be in the relationship will not be elated of
knowing that he/she is given freedom to explore other options. An
eighteen year old in other countries maybe feel adventurous when given
the freedom to be on his/her own but the same situation may not be so
welcome in another country.

Freedom is sweet if you wanted to taste it for a long time but it tastes bitter when not needed and welcome in your life.

Whatever
the situation is there is always a good and bad side to it. It is not
the situation that matters but how people deal with it once it is in
their hands. And whenever you are on the bad side of the situation it
is important to do whatever it is you can do to change the situation to
a better one. Resiliency and positive thinking will be very helpful to
make sure that a person never get stuck to a situation that he doesn’t
want at first but have the means and capability to change it to his/her
advantage.

Freedom and Independence. They’re not as important as
the person who have and make good use of them. Sometimes they’re just
words without meaning until such time that a person who has it uses it
to his/her advantage or to his/her loss.

Today
is Philippines Independence day. Today is my independence day. But I
don’t feel like celebrating. Independence is a word associated to
happiness brought about by being free from something. There is always
celebration and the feeling of exaltation when there is independence.
But there in no joy in my heart right now. All I want to do is sleep
and stay in my room without talking to anyone if possible. I want to
stay there for a long time surrounded by books and with access to good
music and my journal. I want to wallow on the pain of my independence
and write it whenever possible.

True independence and freedom can only exist when doing what is right.

Even
if I am aching inside I am going to use this independence so I could
realize things and have a better life. There is nothing too bad or too
hard situation. There is only a mind that doesn’t want to accept the
reality of it and refuses to see and work to change it. I am
independent. I have been for a long time. My independence did not
necessarily mean loss or advantages. It just means that I am entitled
to it and it’s there for me to use when I can and want. I didn’t use it
for a long time and didn’t have plans of using it. But circumstances
and times in my life tell me it’s about time that I utilize it.

What’s
the worst thing that could happen when I use it? That I will have
better and wider options of all things in my life. That I am going to
be a new and hopefully better person because of the new tool to I can
use to have a life I planned and wanted.

I am independent right now. I am free to do what I can’t do before.

I am independent. I am free to exploe the different faces of life.

I am independent. I am free to be the real ne.

I am independent. I am free. I am flying.

I am independent. I am free. I am LYING.

Jim Rohn said that if you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they may have planned for you? Not much. This statement struck me while I was sitting in front of a very charming person who was telling me what he likes to do in life and how he enjoyed what he did and achieved. He was a lot younger than me but it seems that he has done much much more than I ever could have imagined for myself. I asked him if he planned anything he did and he said no. I on the other hand spent most of my time planning what the future should be for me and the people I cared about but was not able to do much of what is in the list of must-dos. It’s funny because I really thought planning my life on a daily basis would give me the planned happiness that I deserve but most of time it didn’t. People on the other hand who just wake up every morning and do whatever needs to be done using the limited time they have are able to accomplish a lot of things and gain satisfaction at the end of their not-so-planned days. I begin to think that I’ve been doing the wrong things everyday and am not able to correct the mistakes because my mind is so preoccupied with the things I need to do. As Jim Rohn clearly stated, failure is not a single, cataclysmic event. You don’t fail overnight. Instead, failure is a few errors in judgments, repeated every day.

Maybe people who don’t plan ahead are more fulfilled at the end of the day because they don’t really have a list to check of what needs to be done and if they were able to do it. Me on the other hand feels bad every time I go to bed and think of all the things I was not able to accomplish within the day that of course will add up to my tasks the next day. No wonder I look stressed and angry most of the time. *sigh*

But as they say for every disciplined effort there is a multiple reward. So, planned or not planned any person can still be happy. For some they get the reward at the end of the day. For some people like me, the rewards will be reaped in the near future and hopefully soon.

Jim Rohn again said that happiness is not something you postpone for the future; it is something you design for the present. But when you achieve happiness now what’s next? There is no such thing as super happiness. Everyone knows that happiness is just a fleeting moment and that no matter how people try to sustain it no one could ever be happy every second of their lives.

Fudge! I just realized I didn’t plan on writing or spending much of my time but I’m happy. I’m happy because I was able to put into words what I have been thinking for a period of time.

Life. Happiness. Plans. Future. Jim Rohn has a lot to say to these topics. He’s actually good. He even managed to make me write and think about what he’d said without him knowing it.

Enough said. I’m going to go back to my checklist because 10 minutes spent in this blog is really not on my plan for the day. *wink* Ciao and have a happy planned or not planned week.

To Kenneth, a wonderful man who looks for
love but seems to not find it… YET…This is for you…

Love Is Not Love Which Alters…             

William Shakespeare               

Misery
indeed loves company. The days before Saint Valentines Day were exhausting not because I was doing a lot of physical activities but
because I was thinking of ways to not be out and working on the 14th of
February. I was anxious the night before Valentines day because I was
sure that I will see a lot of happy couples around me, women who are
ecstatic for the chocolates and flowers they’ll receive from their
special someone. I slept and wished that I could skip the so-called
hearts day and wake up without seeing anyone having Valentines Day hangover.
Unfortunately my wish was not granted. I had to come to work on that
day and was swith people who talk a lot about what their plans are on
Valentines night. It was depressing because I saw a lot of people who
like me were dateless and have no plans of celebrating the happy heart
season at all.

I
don’t have anything against Valentines Day or the people who celebrate
it year after year. I think it’s really cute to see couples giving
gifts to each other because it seems that they’re renewing their love
for each other and the flowers, chocolates, romantic dinners, and
surprises are just ways for them to show it on a "very special day."
What I don’t dig is the fact that there are people who make dateless
people feel miserable on Valentines Day. It is as if we are not normal
and should be subjected to their pity. What’s up with the questions
like "Why are you not going out on Valentines night?" or "Did something
or someone horrible hurt you?" or "Do you want to be hooked up with
someone I know so you won’t be lonely tonight?" What the fudge!!!

After
the shift one of my training mates invited me to go out and watched a
comedy show at the town. I didn’t have plans so I went with them. It
was fun. We went to D 4th Comedy Bar in La Azotea and tried to enjoy
the show. There were a lot of revelations that night and I learned that
I don’t own all the misery in the world. There are also people who
experience what I’ve been through and that comforted me. I am not alone
after all.

Session Road on a February 14 night…

The
bar was full of people who I believe where there to escape all the
circus on Valentines Day. It was surprising because I thought couples
should be somewhere quiet and alone on Valentines Day where they can
enjoy each other and not in a comedy bar laughing at a comedian’s
antics without the privilege of being able to talk and hear each other.
After 3 bottles of beers and being exhausted from each other’s bitter
stories the group agreed to perform in front of all the people in the
bar. We sung songs without caring if we sounded good or not. It was
relieving… seeing people you know being happy for a split second and
somehow forgot what they were going through. We went home after that
and the moment we said goodbye everything went back to the way it used
to be. But what the hell. The 20 something minutes of being carefree is
worth all the trouble.

a face of a dateless but perfectly HAPPY woman!!!
Yesterday,
was almost a disaster day for me but, someone saved me from sulking at
pondering what people said to me. A simple Happy Valentines Day from
him made my supposedly miserable day a happy one. He was far but I
survived. I realized that I don’t need Valentines Day to be reminded of
who I care and love. And maybe that was what Valentines Day is all
about — making people realize that loving and caring for someone can
never be shown in only one day.

The
first month of the year has just been over and a lot of unforeseen events
keep surprising and making me lose my balance. I thought this year
would be more peaceful and drama free. I guess it is not.

Cry.
Laugh. Cry. Laugh. Cry. Laugh. And maybe just maybe you’ll find the
answers to your questions and you’d be able to go to where you needed
to be.